


Crashing Waves

by jonsatrash



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Catelyn adores Jon, F/M, First Love, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hate to Love, Jon and Sansa Are Not Related, No Incest, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 11:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12210690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonsatrash/pseuds/jonsatrash
Summary: Cruel, Jon thought to himself as images of Sansa smiling at him with love in her eyes wearing his shirt flashed in his mind.You're cruel, Sansa Stark





	Crashing Waves

**Author's Note:**

> I love modern jonsa aus with dark intense Jon. Recently, I read one where Jon said that he can't live without Sansa, passionately, making my shipper heart melt. I wanted to explore his character's feelings if something like that did become a reality.  
> I wanted to show the grief and thoughts of some people who lose their loved ones. Lost to be never found. Memories that haunt, but lost to be never experienced again. People like that exist and I wanted to channel them too.  
> The emotions are too encompassing for them; grief, sadness, blame, regret, anger, love and fear. It was difficult to write but it was just something I needed and wanted to do.
> 
> Present and flashbacks are separated by lines. Thank you to everyone who are reading this :)  
> 

Jon Snow stood alone in the cemetery wearing a black suit and tie. The crisp winter air blew his hair to the side as its tips brushed his eyelashes which were damp with tears. He felt anger all over again as he looked down.

_Sansa Minisa Stark, 1994-2017_

One by one, all her family members were clearing the place. After 6 hours of staring at her name, Jon still felt too numb to move. Scared. The last thing he wanted to do was go to their penthouse where the bed still had evidence of their passion. 

_Cruel_

Jon closed his eyes for a few seconds but quickly opened them again as he saw auburn red hair splayed all over his pillow. Sansa's mouth open in a perfect O, her legs wrapped around his waist and her back arched as her soft and perky heavy breasts tipped with beaded pink nipples were pushed onto his hard chest. He could still see in slow-motion the way her bow-shaped lips moved as she breathlessly sighed his name. And her eyes, those crystal sharp clear blue eyes stared at him with love and desire like no one had ever did.

_You're cruel, Sansa Stark._

" You don't have to deal with this on your own, Jon. Stay with us for a while. We will get through our loss together as a family," Catelyn had told him as he shrugged when she tried to hug him.

 _Together as a family_...how long had he yearned to hear those words and have a mother like Catelyn Stark?

An unbidden dark chuckle came out of him as he thought of how he couldn't even look at her in fear of being reminded of Sansa, but she wanted him to stay with the Starks? No way.

He had never known his mother and the maternal protectiveness with which Catelyn treated him even after the death of her own daughter unsettled him. He didn't deserve the comfort of the Starks, not one whit.

He was an orphan who didn't know anything about familial affection but Sansa left this world where she had a great life, perfect family and an amazing job.

For him. Orphan, stupid, worthless Jon Snow.

"You should be angry with me, Cat," he told her as he turned to leave the conversation. The God was playing a cruel joke on him. 

When he was young, Jon always wished to have someone who cared enough that they would cry for him if he was hurt. Someone who would love him enough to be willing to put his life before theirs.

> _Be careful about what you wish for, it might just come true._
> 
> _And there's always a catch._

_"It should have been me instead,"_ Jon thought darkly for the millionth time. 

" Jon, there is something you need to know. Sansa—"

"I suggest you to go home now, Mrs.Stark. I won't change my decision."

He didn't watch as Catelyn gave a resigned sigh and left. 

He would always have a part of Sansa in him and no other woman could take her place in his heart, body and soul. She was the first woman he had loved and had sex with and she would be his last in all the aspects too. But she gave up her life and left him all alone in this world, even when she knew he couldn't live without her. All for him, all because of him. Blood rushed through his veins in anger.

_Cruel_

_You're cruel, Sansa Stark_

 

* * *

 

 

_All his life, Jon made most of the present moments. Sneaking out of the orphanage home at night to play in the mud, stealing the warden's dirty magazines with his fellow mates of the home and being involved in petty fights. He had done it all. In a way, he was happy in the orphanage where he was surrounded by people like him. Twisted as he knew it was, he was the most popular one in the orphanage._

_Wildly brilliant, he had been accepted to one of the most coveted business schools with scholarship._

_"Listen up boys, Snow here to going to attend University in King's Landing!"  the warden shouted as the boys cheered in half amusement as they had never seen their warden like this before and half jealousy at the curly haired boy's bright future ahead. _

_As he was driving up to his university, Jon chuckled as he thought of how his mates teased him that he was going to fall for a woman so hard till he lost all his senses. But Jon knew better than to worry about that as he vowed to himself that he would never be with a woman and bring a child into this world. He had remained single all his life by choice even ignoring the lingering looks and suggestive offers of the pretty girls in his school. He wanted to stay that way. Until he met Sansa Stark._

_She came into his life like the wind. Strong, unwavering and constant. They were like oil and water, always at odds with each other. Sansa was brought up in the shadow of the wealthy businessman, Ned Stark, her father, and firmly believed in the ethics of negotiating business. But Jon's ideals were ruthless and being in the same class, they were always arguing. The professors found it difficult to interrupt them as each student was beyond brilliant with smart counters of their own. Retorting to a final step, Jon and Sansa were paired up to give a lecture together as no one could tolerate their heated arguments in class anymore. As that was announced in class, someone who suspiciously sounded like Theon to Jon, yelled," Just fuck already!"_

_As time went by, Jon found Sansa to be surprisingly funny and down-to-earth and not at all like the bully who he thought she was. Her eyes shone with gentleness and something else he had never been subjected to before._

_"Can I wear this sweatshirt? It looks like heaven right now as I can hardly come up with a intelligible thought in this tight top,"  Sansa said with a eye roll as she picked it up from the chair bunked with all of his clothes. Jon barely managed to nod while he stared at her wondering how Eddard Stark's eldest daughter didn't mind wearing his old sweatshirt with his orphanage's name at the front._

_He was even more surprised as she left his dorm dressed like that and returned a month after in the same attire. That didn't compare to the feeling he felt one Sunday afternoon when they were preparing for another lecture._

_" So, I think this turned out to be good but the legal liability—" _

_" I'm in love with you" _

_Jon stared at her dumbfounded, then blinked slowly, certain that he had heard her wrong. Sansa had low-key been flirting with him for months now and he indulged her but he was scared to let it go further. He didn't belong in her perfect life. Sansa was beginning to get frustrated with the casual dating, he knew, but he also saw the affection and gentleness in her eyes. She wouldn't leave him._

_" You do know that it is not 'obligated' of you to say it just because I picked up your call at 3am, right?" _

_Sansa threw her head back and laughed. She whispered 'idiot' under her breath as she kissed him fiercely and threw him on the couch pulling at his sweats. She had his boxers down in a minute and was sucking his cock peering at him through her lashes. He tangled her hair in his hands gently tugging it. Jon grunted and groaned like an animal and swore he would bring her pleasure so many times that night till she was too weak to move. That had been the first time for both of them._

 

* * *

 

 As night approached, Jon left the cemetery and went to his and Sansa's penthouse but stopped when he saw the life size picture of them in the living room. Sansa was sitting across his lap and laughing while ruffling his hair as he playfully kissed her cheek. The picture left no room for doubt about how happy and in love they were.

His vision swayed as he saw Sansa in the kitchen counter beaming at him dressed in only his shirt which reached her mid-thighs. The shirt fell from one of her shoulders showing milky soft skin.

_" You're back, broody! I made your favorite cake. Come give me a kiss and if I'm satisfied, I'll let you have a way more delicious desert" _

Jon blinked. Sansa shouldn't have shown him love and taken it all from him in an instant. He should have stayed near his orphanage and never went to university. He shouldn't have met her. The bane and boon of his existence.

Jon desperately tried to think of something that would distract him from the death of the love of his life.

_Yes, a cigarette, that might do it._

He took one from the pack Theon slipped inside his pocket and lit it. It had been years since he had quit smoking. He brought it up to his mouth to take a puff.

_" Jonathan Snow, how many times do I have to tell you that it is bad for your health?" _

Immediately, he dropped down the cigarette and crushed it under his feet.

_FUCK!_

Sansa haunted him. Every fiber of his being. 

"What are you doing to me, Sansa? Why the hell did you love me? Why did you love me so? We should've just refused to prepare that lecture."

Jon felt the dark taste of anger. Uncontrollable anger like he had never felt before in his life. At life, God and the woman he hopelessly loved but more so at himself.

 

_If only I had paid attention, we would've been playing strip poker after a busy day in this very living room._

_She would've been laughing._

_She would've been breathing._

_If only I didn't fuck up perfect Sansa's life_ _...if only..._

 

He had always thought that he was the master of his emotions and he could always work his mind like he wanted to. But no, not now.

Sansa was killing him slowly but surely. She just didn't have the decency to let him take the peaceful way out and own upto his mistake. 

_Cruel_

Still in his black suit and tie, Jon got into his car and tore out of the driveway. He couldn't walk inside their house, just couldn't. He drove until he couldn't anymore. He stopped in the dense forest a few feet before a beautiful cascading waterfall. He didn't know why, he just did. Maybe he did know why as he reached in the backseat and pulled out the half filled tub of ice cream. He ate it silently watching the waters crashing.

_Cruel_

_You're cruel, Sansa Stark_

 

* * *

 

_Jon rolled down the fogged up windows in his car. He was holding Sansa with an arm around her playing with her finger where she wore her engagement ring. They were naked, laying under a blanket in the backseat of his car. Their breaths came in short pants and the fine sheen of sweat on their bodies was being cooled off from the wind through the window. Sansa was balancing a tub of blackcurrant ice cream on his stomach eating spoonfuls of it while looking out through the window._

_"This is so beautiful, Jon. I want us to get married here," Sansa breathed out. She let out a small hum that Jon felt to the tip of his toes as she languidly kissed and nipped his slightly puckered nipple, pulling it gently between her teeth. _

_Jon playfully smacked her ass back." That sounds great but you won't have any groom for the wedding as your mother would kill me before that. All the planning she has been doing for our marriage would be for naught."_

_" Oh that bloody expensive wedding can still happen but a day before that I want to marry you here. Wearing only your shirt, among all the greenery and the clear water flowing through the waterfalls, I want to say my vows in the presence of the only man I have loved and no one else." _

_Jon looked down at the beautiful, kind, strong and perfect woman in his arms, the love of his life and his heart swelled with so much affection that he had difficulty breathing._

_He couldn't believe how lucky he was. He was an orphan, yes, with no knowledge of his parents, but thinking of how his life turned out to be, he had to admit that he was truly blessed. He was the Chief Executive in one of the world's best companies, had good friends from the orphanage, an astounding career, an amazing fiance and her family adored him._

 

_Jon thought back on how afraid he was to meet the Starks at first, fearing that they would find him lacking for Sansa. For the life of him, even he couldn't understand why Sansa loved him. How could they?_

_Jon had a speech prepared to woo her parents, but before he could get a word out, Catelyn asked him to be a dear and set up the table while Rickon spilled red wine in his pants shouting," Attack accomplished!"_

_Expectation of threats? Yes._

_Refusal? Yes._

_Anger? Yes._

_Castration? Umm, maybe._

_However he didn't expect what happened in the slightest from the sophisticated Stark family._

_Sansa laughed at his slack-jawed shocked face and told him that this was their way of accepting him in the Stark family. That made a smile slowly creep up on his face._

_Acceptance. Belonging. That was not something he was used to._

_Catelyn doted on him like he was the son she never had and Ned always had a passionate interest about his career prospects. Robb was one of his best mates and Arya was his amateur fencing partner. Little Bran and Rickon looked up to him with awe. For the first time in his life, he truly had a family to visit during holidays. How many people had that in their lives?_

 

_All words escaped him at the moment though and he threw the blanket off them. He pulled the tub of ice cream from her and put it in the corner but not before scooping up a spoonful and smearing it down the path of her body._

_"You're such a sap, lemonlady," Jon whispered as his mouth followed the ice cream path swiping it clean off her body._

_"Jon Snow, what did you just say? I'll have you know that—" Sansa was sitting up trying to push him off but soon fell back in the seat as Jon's mouth found her nub and she could do nothing but moan._

 

* * *

 

 

Jon stayed the whole night there watching the water crashing and slowly eating the ice cream until the streaks of sunlight seemed to become brighter and brighter.

He opened the glove box in his car to put away the empty tub of ice cream inside as he couldn't throw it away. 

Inside he found a file with a note and a letter. The note read _'Surprise, Jon!'_ in Sansa's elegant handwriting. This was the first time he opened his glove box after the incident. 

He shook his head to dispel those thoughts and opened the file. Inside was a ultrasound scan showing two globs inside a larger one.

All the little breath he had inside, left him as he stared at the scan and slowly unfolded the letter with trembling hands.

 

_Dear Jon,_

_Firstly, this is not a 'Dear John' letter. You don't even have a fucking 'h' in your name..So stop scratching the back of your neck and relax!_

_Secondly, you better stop stealing hangers from my side of the closet. I have to put our twins' clothes on my side now! Be glad you did one thing right and proposed to me. Otherwise my father would have had your head._

_P.S: Remember the day I didn't take my pill as the caveman part of you was busy thrusting into me like your life depended on it? Yes, my love, get ready to go out and get weird foods in the middle of the night!_

_With love,_

_Broody's wife._

 

All the anger and grief possessing him until now left, as Jon couldn't get his mind and heart to work anymore. 

Not only Sansa had died. Their babies too. The three most precious people in his life including the little ones he didn't even know existed had been taken that fateful day. All because of _him_.

" No," he whispered.

A sound that didn't sound human came out of his throat. 

"No," he said louder.

He gave out a loud sob as he shouted, "NO!," after which he cried in earnest, shoulders shaking. 

_Cruel._

_You're cruel, Sansa Stark._

 Jon had always thought that suicide was cowardly but now he briefly considered taking his life just as she had given up hers for him.

 He closed his eyes as the incident and her words swam in his mind.

_" Stop smoking, Snow. What would I do without you?" _

_" Drive slow for God's sake. I need you alive!" _

"That was what you didn't want, right, Sansa? Maybe I should just do it to take revenge on you."

But no, stupid Jon Snow couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt his Sansa like that. Moreover he didn't dwell much on it as he was sure his broken heart would drive him to his doom very soon. He just had to call Catelyn and tell her to put his grave next to Sansa's. She would think him mad. But she didn't understand their relationship.

_Wherever you go, I go._

She didn't know what her daughter did on the day of the incident and how it shattered him to pieces.

  _I need you, Sansa. I'll come to you. Wait for me._

 

* * *

 

_"Jon, can you bring me the file from the glove box? I have something to show you," Sansa smilingly shouted over the traffic even though she was less than a few feet from him. _

_Jon walked backwards to his car with a smile to get it." Why? Are you planning an early—"_

_His words were cut with Sansa's cry of" Jon!" as she ran to him with fearful eyes and pushed him to the sidewalk._

_When he looked back through his foggy mind, he saw Sansa being hit by a car as she doubled over._ _He rushed to carry her and drive her to the nearby hospital. He couldn't risk waiting for the ambulance to arrive._

_"What the fuck, Sansa? Why did you do that?"  Jon shouted the as the other option can't happen. No, he should stay strong for her. There was no time to have a fucking breakdown._

_Jon's hands were already shaking and he was frantic at the thought of losing her. He shook his head to remove those thoughts._ _There is no way he was going to lose his Sansa, just no._

_Sansa kept trying to open the glovebox in his car with shaky hands till Jon held her still with one hand. She was too weak to fight back. She was losing a lot of blood and Jon was shit scared that each movement she makes might cause her to shed more. His other hand was pale on the steering wheel trying to get to the hospital as fast as possible._

_Sansa's blood coated hands were slowly mapping out his features, holding his cheek tenderly and stroking it with trembling hands, all the while staring at him intently. She looked at him like she wanted to memorise his face. Her big blue eyes were misty and sad but with a hint of gratefulness in them. This display of pure unadulterated emotion scared him to pieces._

_Fear choked his throat but he had to make sure she was fighting to live._

_"Sansa, listen to me carefully. You have to stay alive. Keep fighting, lemonlady. See that hospital in the corner? We have to just drive a bit and then everything will be alright" He sobbed out the last words. Seeing Sansa like this was too much for him to bear._

_" Jon, you..you have to know—"_

_She was drifting, he could tell. She sounded faraway, like she was in a dream._

_"Shhh, baby. We have all the time in our lives to talk. Stay with me. Focus on your breathing. You are a fighter, my wife. We will get through this. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" Jon almost shouted out the last words seeing Sansa blinking to keep her eyes open._

_With a ghost of a smile on her lips, Sansa struggled to breathe and whispered," Jon, the best thing that...that ever happened..to---is-- you a-and—". Then her hand on his cheek dropped and the other covering her stomach fell too. Her clear blue eyes always full of mischief and love shut and never opened again. That was the last time Jon felt alive._

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, so please leave a comment and let me know what you think.  
> Cheers!  
> 


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